Before I was a mother, I was just Chelsea. I was a stupid girl. And I miss that stupid girl. My heart aches for her.

She was carefree, silly, and in love with every person she ever met. She even loved people who couldn’t stand her. She was so open that it made some people angry and confused. Nothing was ever serious to her. Life was a video game.

Now life is a nerve wrecking endless mess of fear. I am afraid of everything. I am vulnerable. Being a mother means I have ripped my heart out of my body and it is probably running around a playground or making a mess somewhere. My son is my whole heart. If anyone hurts him, it hurts me. If someone prevents me from being with him, they are preventing me from holding my own heart.

I am going through a separation right now and it’s not a good one. I feel really scared and attacked. I stand to lose everything. All I can think about is my son’s safety and emotional well being. I just want him to be happy, safe, and loved. I want him to never stop learning and to become the amazing person he is meant to be.

And despite all of these awful feelings, I also feel myself meeting her again. In my moments of solitude I get moments of, oh there she is. She’s back. I miss her complexity, her inner world, her ability to move through the world being soft and also being funny. Taking pain and laughing at it all the time. She’s different from who I am now. I will never ever be her ever again. But being able to reconnect with who I was is helping me become a better version of myself as a mother.

As he grows, I want my son to see his mom as a free, open person who can laugh at life when it gets hard. I do not want him to witness an unhappy mother who does nothing for herself and only dotes on him. That’s not a good example of a woman I want him to see. I want him to see his mother loves him, cares for him, and makes sure he has everything he needs all while I continue to invest in myself and enjoy life. Can a woman have it all? Absolutely not. But whatever I can claim as mine, I should take it and appreciate what I have.