I have time now. To do some things. Some times. I haven’t written here in years because I was feeding, chasing, cleaning, breathing, crying, sleeping (very very occasionally and inconsistently!), driving, reading, cuddling, laughing, panicking, proofing, cooking, baking, drinking, dancing, playing, planning, coloring, building, decorating, dressing, swimming, exercising, scrolling, and fearing.
My son is almost 4 years old. He is definitely not a baby. He gets mad if you call him baby, he insists he is a “big kid.” He is the funniest person I’ve ever met. His comedic timing is unmatched. He roasts me constantly. Once while I was folding laundry, he opened his tiny hands as if he was reading a book and said “Once upon a time, a very very very old lady was doing laundry.” He laughed with delight and then said “You’re an old lady! You’re an old lady!”
He did this only about 2 months after I was by his side at the children’s hospital. His appendix ruptured and he had an emergency appendectomy. Easily the most horrifying life experience so far. I was afraid the worst thing ever would happen. I am eternally thankful for his amazing surgeon and all the nurses who cared for him. He was in such rough shape and every day was me groggily making sure he had everything he needed 24/7 in a tiny hospital room. And he recovered. I am forever changed after being confronted with my worst fear as a mom.
An event like that puts everything into perspective. All of a sudden I am actually thankful and happy that a tiny boy is insulting me with glee, jumping on our bed. Thank god for that. I want nothing more than for him to wreck our house, make messes, and wake me up at 5 am asking to play Khan Academy kids on the iPad. I love him so unconditionally it hurts. Some day in the distant future he may hate me. He might decide not to answer my calls. I will love him even then. I will love him when I am long gone from this life, I will lovingly haunt him as a ghost probably nagging him to wear a coat and eat his broccoli. And in my next life I’ll probably love him too.
So with little bit of newfound free time I have found after years of raising my child, I’ve recently been baking bread, gardening, writing (not online for once), visiting the library, dreading the future, petting my cats, making ginger bug soda, dreaming, resting, etc. I am basically in a kind of cocoon phase and I really like it. I feel like I could stay here forever but I know at some point I will emerge. I’m not sure what to do with this little blog if anything at all. Maybe just leave it here. Or maybe come back later. Or maybe delete everything and start over.
This life is all about the moment and if you get too caught up in what’s next or what has already occured you don’t see where you are. So instead of running from the past or buying tickets for the future, I am for now just taking time to be where I am.
Magical Alien Witch 