This isn’t about the LLM.

My son’s middle name is Claude. He was born before the ai chatbot. We struggled for months to come up with a first name. The middle name was conceived out of nowhere and easy. His father came out from his office and into the living room and he said “What about Claude?”

I knew he was suggesting a middle name without any context. My heart started beating fast realizing this would be the moment my son’s full name would be formed.

“That’s perfect.” I said, without hesitation. Middle names are typically so unimportant. My own middle name, Nicole, was ridiculously common for women my age. It was so forgettable. Claude is different and weird and artsy. His father leaned down and made me pinky promise him that the name was locked down. Pinky promises are legally binding for me.

Claude is now a household name and some people will now likely assume our son was named after the ai. In the 1990s, people used to ask me all the time if I was named after Chelsea Clinton even though I was born before Bill Clinton was president, and there are neighborhoods in NYC and London, and a very popular soccer team which is what I was actually named after.

My son’s middle name is definitely a reference to Monet. One of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my life was the Water Lillies Monet exhibit at the Musée de l’Orangerie in Paris.

I went to this museum after I already went to the Louvre. I was completely underwhelmed by the many statues of men missing penises and noses. With time, statues will lose noses and penises. Once you’ve seen one of those you have seen them all.

My mom was a photojournalist in the navy and one of my favorite photos she took was of Water Lillies in Okinawa, Japan. Being in this room made me think of that photo. Sitting and surrounded by blurry Water Lillies. Like sitting physically in the middle of a dream.

I often think about the movie Clueless. I think it’s one of the funniest comedies ever. “You’re a virgin who can’t drive.” is iconic. I love the scene where Cher comforts Tai, who observes Amber dancing with Cher’s handsome stepbrother.

Tai: Do you think she’s pretty?
Cher: No, she’s a full-on Monet.
Tai: What’s a Monet?
Cher: It’s like a painting, see? From far away, it’s okay, but up close, it’s a big old mess.

I am still so close to the nightmare I just experienced a mere 8 weeks ago that ripped me out of my existence and put me on a new path.

I continue to learn new details and understand aspects of how things derailed so quickly and so badly. Bodies are really fragile. I was dying from an infection. My organs were failing and my brain decided to make sense of it all by seeking questions and inventing answers. I was in a hospital and a nurse was getting blood samples from my hands, which were turning purple and green. I looked like I was on death’s door. He told me my potassium levels were very high. Nurses came in and out to give me food and water and I refused.

Everything was both funny and scary at the same time. My mind was psychedelic, lulling me into the death that felt inevitable. There is certainly another timeline where I died that day had I not been in a hospital.

I know one day when I am further from this mess I will see it more clearly. I might even think it’s beautiful, or at the very least interesting. But for now all I see are little dots and vibrant colors. Every time I think for a moment that I understand what happened, I learn something new. I have so many questions and I may never get the answers.

One day in the distant future, I’ll be be less concerned with finding the answers and more interested in taking in the full picture the mess made.