I haven’t written here in awhile. Post partum depression and anxiety got me good. Those damn hormones. Every day was a battle with my intrusive thoughts, crying, self destructive desires to self isolate, and beating myself up emotionally. I am sorting it out. It comes and goes in waves. You don’t know what it’s like until you’re living through it. It’s all hormonal and I just have to breathe and take it all one day at a time. I am learning to live slower and forgive myself if there’s a few dirty dishes in the sink.

I had the night shift with the newborn because my husband works during the day. We have transitioned out of that now that the baby mostly sleeps through the night (with the occasional rough night of course and a dreamfeed/diaper change at midnight). So I stopped writing here as a coping mechanism. But I am back because my therapist said putting language to my feelings is healthy! haha

I don’t sleep anyway because all night I just think about the baby.

I try to unwind and relax, I really do. My mind just goes back. It doesn’t matter how far I am into a dream, if I hear him stir at all (which a lot of the time, if he is moving at night -it is simply active sleep which is normal and healthy and do not wake the baby! Babies need that sleep!)

Because of our family’s mental health issues I decided my son’s sleep was going to be a priority from day 1. I would do what I can to make sure he gets the sleep he needs. He has a five star resort bedtime routine quite literally every single night. Cozy bath with the ideal temperature, foot rub, Cozy pajamas, sleep sac, book reading, bottle (if he wants it), and lullabies just before putting him on his back to sleep in his crib with the fan blasting just like he wants it to.

I think with raising a baby so much of the emphasis is placed on eating and weight gain, but sleep is so important as well -even as they grow older and become adults. I wish I had some routines and habits established for me as a child to value sleep and know what I need to get a good rest. I was an insomniac for most of my teen years and adulthood and it affected almost every aspect of my life negatively.

There’s a lot of debate about how much a baby should sleep at night, when to wake them for a change feed and even if you should at all (potential to disrupt a REM cycle!). I think every baby is different and you should pay attention to their cues and to what soothes them.

I learned early on that my baby loves cuddles and lullabies. He is easily rocked to sleep. I don’t do traditional lullabies either. I do what I do with my cat and customize my favorite pop/rock songs into lullabies about him and going to sleep. I also learned he loves a gentle footrub with baby lotion, and his ideal sleepwear is a light footie pajama set with hand covers and a sleep sac. Sleep sacs are “wearable blankets” and are not just adorable and comforting, but very safe for them compared to a swaddle or a blanket in the crib.

I was accused by a stranger online of being pro “cry it out” because I used the term “sleep training”. The method I use I believe is called “gentle sleep training”. Cry it out is a controversial bedtime method that I don’t think works for us.

My son has never once cried after his bedtime routine. He stirs a little and plays what I call “the passie game” for about 15 minutes where he spits his pacifier out and I run and pop it back in mouth. There has been an occasion or two where he has cried in the middle of the night and of course I ran to him to see if he needed his pacifier or to be held.

I think we need to value sleep more as a society in general. I regularly see CEOs in interviews brag about only sleeping 4 hours a night. That’s not good for your brain, I would know because that’s where I am at right now and I feel a little nuts. Deep sleep is healthy, natural, and beneficial in every way. It can absolutely be done safely and lovingly at an early age.