A common and extremely ill timed mood disorder – the “baby blues” as they call it. What a rather adorable way to refer to mental illness that happens just when you need to be your strongest for your newborn. Post partum depression is the #1 killer of moms in America. This is a fact that is simply not talked about enough. Suicide is the number one cause of death for new mothers. And now that I have a baby and have experienced first hand the mood shifts from hormonal changes that can happen, it all makes sense.

I have a mood disorder. It’s essentially a more mild form of bipolar called Cyclothymia. For many with this disorder, it is manageable without medication. I am one of those people. I have managed my disorder with weekly therapy, cutting back on caffeine and alcohol, and meditation. It is a daily struggle. I will always be a mother and I will always be neurodivergent. Someday I will explain to my son that mommy is not perfect but she does her best, and there’s no shame in taking care of your brain just like you would any other organ of your body.

Because of my mood disorder, I cannot simply take anti depressants because it could send me into mania, which already happens for me regularly and rather naturally. My midwife recommended I shift my diet to include foods high in serotonin, take magnesium and vitamin D, and continue to see my therapist weekly.

I was lacking sleep. I was experiencing a kind of grief over the identity I always had, of simply being Chelsea. Now I am Chelsea, and Beau’s mother. I will always now and forever for the rest of my life be Beau’s mother. Now just to top all of these other issues off, nobody gives a fuck about me. They all only care about the baby. Can we see the baby? Can we see pictures of the baby?

Meanwhile, I was in excruciating pain, healing in my pelvic floor, barely able to walk. But my family did not ask if I am okay. They asked to see the baby. And now there’s this enormous pressure to be a perfect mom. And for my body to recover. I have large and noticeable stretch marks, meanwhile influencers glamorize pregnancies without them. My body is broken, and ugly, and I am alone and forever changed. I also rarely see my husband because he is also the sole provider for our baby, so if I am sleeping or resting, he is on duty. I miss him.

My baby is also the person I love more than anyone I have ever loved in my entire life. He is so cute it’s almost… infuriating?? And he screams at me for any reason. I make milk for him around the clock and he looks at me like I’m a stupid asshole and screams his head off.

One night, I finally snapped. Not like a lifetime movie snapped. Just a “sad new mom” snapped. Beau was about 1 month old. It was 3am. My baby would not stop crying for 10, 15 minutes. He had been fed, changed, rocked, cuddled, sung to, etc. Just screaming his head off. I was sleep deprived and depressed. My husband told me many times if I felt overwhelmed I could always come to him, but I felt guilty even considering that because he took care of the baby for 12 hours during the day in which he was also working from home. I was still on my unpaid maternity leave at the time.

I ran into our bedroom with the baby and put him in the bedside bassinet. I said out loud, to my husband, while crying hysterically “He hates me and I am a bad mom!”

My husband has since done this impression of me for laughs no less than 5 dozen times. It’s his new favorite inside joke with me.

He picked the baby up and held him in the bed. He walked me downstairs to his office, which has a bassinet in it and 3 fans that blast. He told me the baby likes the fan noises, they calm him. So he put the baby in his bassinet, turned the fans on, lights off, and sure enough he was passed out almost immediately.

“But I want to be in the same room as him.” I said.

My husband told me to go relax in the other room and let him fall asleep in there and I could come get him later once he relaxed.

I don’t know how mothers do it without supportive partners. I would be completely lost without him and I know he would be the same without me. Parents need each other.

I think this is the part of the blog post where people would expect me to post a hotline or links to post partum resources. I literally don’t have them and I don’t know for sure if they are even useful. If you know of a woman who just had a baby, DM her and say something nice. Send her food or flowers or a bottle of wine. Visit her and give her a huge hug. Do anything to remind her she’s a person again.

Again, I am personally so lucky because I have a loving and supportive partner to help me in my weakest moments, but my heart breaks that some women have no one at all. These are the women we should be turning toward and loving extra hard. That is too much for a person to carry around.