Solitude is becoming a bit of an addiction. I can go days without leaving my place. I talk to my cat and that’s the perfect amount of socializing for me most of the time. I have very little desire to be seen, perceived, or interacted with. I often have to force myself to do anything remotely social.

I was rambling on and on about how I could just disappear and be happier than ever. Kids listen and they will call you out every single time.

“Mom, if you hid from me would you want me to find you?” my son asked.

I felt so bad. I don’t ever want him to think for a second that his own mom is hiding from him. I hide from everyone all the time though if I am honest with myself. I love to escape. I love to run.

“Beau, I will always want you to find me. And if you hide I will find you every single time too.” I replied.

We went into the comfortable air conditioned movie theater and watched 50 Buzz Lightyears marching around a deserted island. I cried a few times as I am known to do during cheesy kids movies and tv shows. I had to leave the living room when we watched the final episode of Bluey because tears were streaming down my face. I won’t spoil it for anyone reading it that may want to see it, but a warning that if you are a parent it’s especially brutal. Have tissues ready.

I think some people get tougher as they experience life but I find myself getting softer and more sensitive than ever. My heart has broken so many times I think one more break might actually be the final blow. I have had to tell so many people I cared about goodbye because they had no regard for my basic safety and well being. Becoming a mom has only made that more important to me, because if someone doesn’t care about me they definitely don’t care about my son.

On July 4th, I went to the house to be with my son during the day. We ate hot dogs and watermelon. I always feel like a ghost visiting that house. You would never know a woman ever lived there. My walk in closet, empty. My office, empty except for my green curtains. My bathroom counter has zero skincare products or jewelry. I really miss being able to go to the basement in the morning and let my son play with his toys while I checked on the garden.

I agreed to play a game of hide and seek that afternoon with my son and his father. Mommy’s turn to hide! My son counted backwards from ten and I rushed to the living room and hid behind the couch right next to the air vent on the floor, pumping out cold air. It was really relaxing. I heard my son and his dad searching for me in the basement.

“I don’t think Mommy’s down here Beau.”

“She’s probably behind the couch!” He knows me so well.

I heard my son running up the stairs.

He ran to the couch, stood on it and peered down at me, laughing. My little air conditioning silence break was over.

I’m the only one finding myself. I keep hiding, and I keep finding.