I’ve been a mom officially now for over a month. It’s both the most delightful and horrifying experience ever. It’s an overwhelming tornado of aww, what the frick, and holy shhhhhh.

I knew I wanted to be a mom for awhile. Nothing original or unique to say about that, just a typical biological clock that ticked and I couldn’t help but listen. I lived in NYC for a few years and would see babies on the train smiling at me and I was like “Uh oh, there it is, that feeling.” I got tired of being out late at bars just to come home alone to an apartment with two roommates that clogged our toilet with their massive shits. I wanted a family. If I am going to have to unclog a toilet, I at least want it to be for people who love me.

When I met my husband I didn’t know right away that he would be the one. I was actually getting over a situationship at the time and wasn’t really emotionally available at all. I met him when I was visiting from NYC for a weekend. We talked all night and the conversation was effortless. I ended up spending a night at his place before I went home. I chalked it up to a one night stand until over a year later we reconnected over some sushi. Then I moved in with him. Then a pandemic hit. We had emotional talks about wanting children eventually, but with all the uncertainties in the world we just didn’t know what to do about that or how to proceed. Then without planning to, but also “not not trying” (wink), my son was conceived.

I’ve always felt like I had more love to give than was accepted or wanted by people. I was often told by ex boyfriends that I was “too much.” I have general anxiety and I lean towards manic. I have been in therapy for years and have learned how to manage my brain. I usually lean into writing, painting, yoga, and cleaning to tame myself just enough to function. I love making checklists and google docs. Moving forward feels best to me, so long walks are soothing. That kind of energy is well suited for working in NYC (I used to walk easily 5-10 miles a day) and turns out, also taking care of a newborn.

Just before I gave birth, my husband and I had all the discussions about what care would look like for us. He has a day job that is luckily work from home, so we decided I would take the night shift and he would take the day shift – that way we each could have 10-12 hours of time to shower, sleep, eat, and generally chill out before we give the baby undivided attention.

This plan is mostly very effective. The baby always has someone watching him. The night hours can be calming and quiet, but if the energy is frantic it can be spooky as well. I am totally left alone with my thoughts and emotions. To calm myself, I will listen to music with headphones and dance in my kitchen as I clean. I’ll put the baby in a bassinet so he can watch as he falls asleep.

Sometimes my anxiety tells me I don’t deserve him. Anytime I get something I want in life I question it because I have experienced so much failure and rejection. Can things really just be good, and functioning, and stable? How could that be? And because I don’t have my husband as a listener or anyone else at 4am, my friend is the evil Dr. Google.

Googling “How much spit up is too much?” “SIDS risks” “Signs of a fever” all night while my baby is 3 feet away filling his diaper with poop is just not productive and it’s also completely maddening. The internet is a dark hole filled with endless possibilities. Any nightmare scenario you can think of, is there in full detail for you to soak in and allow it into your psyche. Miscarriage, still birth, SIDs, infections, etc. It’s all there for you to torture yourself with if you allow it. Throw in a pandemic on top of all that and wow, what fun I have here in my brain.

I decided to do this little mommy blog because I don’t want to spend my time at night quietly wondering. I want somewhere to dump these 3am quiet thoughts, even if no one reads or responds. It’s something to do with my mind, with my hands, and with my anxious heart as my newborn rests between night feeds and diaper changes. I will be by his side checking on him an appropriate number of times instead of every 3 minutes between google searches.

All I want right now is to be the vampire night shift mommy he needs, which is one that takes care of my mind and my body so I can care for his as well.